So I finally got a new freelance gig. I am not sure what to think about it since I have only been working there since Friday. It’s more on the Public relations and marketing side but it’s a media job.
My new issue this week has been trying to divide my new found freedom between my responsibilites at home. My mother and my grandmother have been kind enough to take care of my son while my partner and I are at work. I still can’t help but shake this feeling that I am some how missing out. Yeah I am scared of Mommy FOMO. I never thought I would be one of those mothers.
When I was studying to get my degree I remember admintly and definatly telling everyone who was willing to listen that even when I did have kids I would not be a stay at home mom. I also was sure I would rasise my kid in NYC. I am kind of glad I didn’t do NYC while my kid is still in diapers. I can’t do people complaining about my baby being a baby.
Until now, I have had my son with me 24/7. We woke up and his schedule was mine. Now I get up before he even wakes up and I am the person who spends the least amount of wake time with him. Today my partner took him swimming on today. It was his day off and my family had invited him over. I didn’t know how to feel as my mom scrolled through picture and video of an experience I wasn’t there for.
However this job provides so much more for him. More toys, more baby music classes, more mommy and baby yoga etc. I spend the weekends with him. He still wants to be around me when he sees me. Maybe I am just beeing really dramatic.
Sorry this blog was later than the other previous ones. It’s been a interesting week for me. Anyways, on Monday, I found read this article while attending my Monday twitter chats. In the article it discussed how successful “Mommy Blogger” tells everyone that her stuff is “fake nonsense.” Of course I was curious. I was curious because I agreed with her.
I have worked in the media industry for 9 years. When you start out in college in your first mass communication, public relations, or journalism class every professor stress the integrity of the field. What they don’t they don’t tell you is that it’s BS. I have been in small newsrooms and I have been in large ones. I have found that integrity goes out the window when it comes down to getting the job done. I have seen people tarnish other people’s names. So even if you are in a low cut throat media market in the middle of nowhere Idaho you still have to sell a story. To sell a story sometimes it requires smoke and mirrors. So I applaud her on being honest.
Also the idea of people following others because you follow them seem odd to me. Pardon me for not managing my blog better. I didn’t even know this was a thing till last week. I don’t believe in merely following people because it makes no sense to clutter your feed with people’s none sense. I do follow other mommy blogger on wordpress.com, because they often times can be uplifting and incredibly honest. It’s nice to see people in the same boat with the same outlook.
There was time when being a blogger or working in digital media for yourself meant you could be honest. That was before it became lucrative. I remember sitting with a group of successful writers and I said, ” I think I want to blog for awhile.” Someone laughed and replied, “you will not make money from blogging.” That was about 5 years ago. Now there is a business model to it. You purchase a domain, get someone to do the design, get someone to route traffic and make your blog searchable, and get active on social media. In a matter of time your blogging can be bought.This means your opinion can be bought.
I remember typing up a review for something and thinking. No, it doesn’t work at all. Not even in the slightest. I couldn’t imagine typing up a blog that was connected to my own personal brand and have to falsify if it worked well or if it was necessary for making my life easier as a mother. I hate Target’s up and up diapers. I think they are a waste of money and should be able to say as much.
She also spoke about the keeping up with appearances. I know how that is. My life is no where near perfect. My partner although decorated veteran has PTSD. Trust me, PTSD isn’t as romantic people make it out to be on TV. I have my own issues with postpartum depression. Sometimes I don’t like being a mom. I hate poopy diapers. I hate not being able to go to concert or movies because the babysitter or any babysitter isn’t available. I hate the fact that my partner is so scared about being a parent which means I have to take on more responsibility. That’s what this blog is for. I spend so much time in my everyday life trying to keep my private life private because we love to hear others falling down (which I wrote about in a previous blog). I also like letting people know you aren’t alone.
I hope that she keeps blogging. I think that she has so much more to offer. As for me I am going to keep being my being that crazy mom with the son glasses juggle her ridiculously large kid while texting on her cellphone.
Every two weeks my partner and I have couples counseling. I am a strongly advocate couples counseling for relationships with one or two combat veterans. However… listen closely… don’t judge me but … I hate it!
Therapy by yourself is awesome. You sit there. You bad mouth who you want. You cry while only your therapist sees you. You talk about those horrible things that you want no one to know about but you.
Therapy with another person is completely different. It’s almost like having a major ego trip. You have to sit there in front of your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife and be told you were wrong. In counseling by yourself the counselor is going to say you are wrong, but you are alone. He doesn’t have to hear it. You can go on about your day without your significant other knowing. My personal issue is the rawness of it.
I hate telling people my problems. I just recently got comfortable talking to my personal therapist. Now I have to talk about these horrible embarrassing things that happened in front of our therapist and my partner. You just leave with that feeling you had of when your parents told you were grounded. I am not saying our family therapist chastises us (she is one of the better providers are the Debakey VA). It’s the idea that you are to old for this crap.
Yesterday, my partner called at around 11am and asked, ” We have couples counselling at 1500. Do you want to go?” I groaned,”Not really but I will.”
I am not quiter. This relationship isn’t easy but is any relationship easy? So there are times I am going to do things I don’t want to. There are times I am going to have to make sacrifices. Like watch tv shows I don’t like. Listen to terrible music. Go to my couples therapy every two weeks.
I was in needed a little encouragement, so I called my mother. I have said previously that I am always second guessing my decisions, and I was doing so right then. My mom is really good at laying all the cards on the table…Like a psychological tarot card reader. So after everything was said, the first idea that popped into my head was, ” I am sure someone made worse mistakes. Then I thought about it. That has nothing to do with me!
We are so pre-disposed, in our society, to compare ourselves to others. For some reason it’s worse with women. Oh and don’t get me started on this better than the next mother. I thought I was passed this. I remember being in one of my mentoring groups (within my churches youth group) and leader cackling like a crazy woman as she talked about how she was grateful to God he was waiting to send her the perfect man because her friends had marital problems. She came off as bitter. I don’t ever want to seem bitter.
Yeah, I had a list of things that I wanted to do by the time I was 30. Just because it isn’t going the way I would like doesn’t mean I have to tear people down in my heads. Insecurity feeds on shared misery. The funny thing is I couldn’t even think of one person I wanted to feel better than. I am glad I took the time to stop myself before searching. So I am taking the challenge to try to break this habit.