Being a Mommy is so Emo

I cry all the time, and I hate it. I am not talking about when I am sad. I mean, I cry about anything really. This isn’t who I use to be. I was a total G or gangster for those of you less knowledgeable on slag. I cried when loved ones passed, when I hurt myself, or at the end of “Ferngully.” But by the time I had reached my mid-20s my tears sorta just dried up. I cried only one time, and it was only to remind people I was (still is… I think) human. I knew it was the beginning of the end my certified g-ness when I cried in the drive-through of a Jack in The Box.

I was 7 months pregnant. At the time there was one car between my son’s father and I so sometimes I would drop him off at the VA on the way to work. So when I go to pick him up… he is nowhere to be found. I had been in gridlock traffic for an hour. At this point, he was staying downtown. So I am circling the streets of downtown Houston calling my boyfriend who’s phone is dead. I had to eat something so after calling my boss to let them know that I was probably going to be a whole hour and a half late, I stopped at Jack in the box. I order a breakfast combo but when I receive my order there is no hashbrown. I started to cry. This wasn’t “a one tear down the face” cry. This was “a are you trying to kill me” cry. I marched back in and demanded a refund… still crying mind you. That is the day that broke me.

This year, I had to talk myself to watch half the nominated films this last Oscar season. You know how weird it is to yourself in the mirror before watching “Moonlight” because you know you are going to cry. Anytime a mother is having her child taken away I cry. I cry watching very dramatic tv shows I want at some point during the season. I cry during some the comedies sometimes. I can’t watch local news without crying. I am an emotional mess. Emo will have you.

I know that some of this that I am a mom now. Mommy’s get the feels about a lot of things. It’s like you are walking around the earth, and it was just you. Some of you are married before or you had boyfriends or girlfriends here and there but you were only truly responsible for you. Now you get pregnant. You have a baby. Now you are responsible for this tiny human being not just from a physical standpoint but an emotional one. I think my emo state is optional. I chose not to be cold and on caring because I can’t afford to be. It sucks, but there will a huge payoff.

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Why I Take Myself Serious Enough to Wear Makeup

I have always thought of myself as homely. I am a home girl. I wear jeans, t-shirts, and Chuck Taylor tennis shoes. I read books, play video games, and worked as a writer. I was too busy for makeup. It wasn’t until after dealing with my post-partum depression and help from friends that started looking ways for self-care.

This blog was one way, and my appearance is another.My appearance has always been a big deal for me. However, sometime in high school, I wanted people to take me seriously I stop wearing makeup. I stop dressing up unless asked. Now don’t get wrong… I like I stated I love jeans and t-shirts, but I also make a conscious choice of what I am going to wear. But getting myself back into the idea of self-care was a struggle.

My first time applying makeup was in early middle school. I was still applying my make up like an 11-year-old. I have the artistic skills of a toddler. It is literally the grace of God that  I can apply my eyeliner in a straight line. So I had watch video after video, which was cathartic as well, to get an idea of what I was doing. Then next it was purchasing brushes, applicators, primers, and etc. Not to mention a very unproductive visit to Sephora where I left looking like an Oompa Loompa. I eventually figured it out how to do a simple beat. I am still learning.

I think people don’t understand how small things help with maintaining your overall mood. I needed something to remind me that I am human. Taking care of myself helps tremendously.  At the end of the day if you look good you feel good.

 

A Plea for Creativity

I won’t lie. I have been lying to myself for some time now… I tell myself that I am not pushing myself because I am just busy with something or I am not ready. The truth is… I have been in a lull that has been coupled with fear and lack of self-confidence. I will admit some of that time was taken to coming up with a proper self-care routine.  That is still an excuse. I’m being honest with my feelings. I keep hoping that at some point I will find something to that will push me and fuel me. I have decided to merely just carry on. I know that it doesn’t sound encouraging.

I know that it doesn’t as romantic as finding a muse in an unexpected situation.   I wish I had something more impactful to say. Sometimes all you have is to carry on.