I am going to warn you this is going to be one of those weird blogs where I somehow came to an epiphany about something. So last week has been pretty hard for me. Although I was given the opportunity for some me time with friends downtown weekend for the LGBTQ Pride Parade, this week just has me drained emotionally.
So for those of you who aren’t familiar with cognitive therapy, there is alway a plan put in place for when something gets you down or angry or whatever. So my plan has always been to listen to music, write, and or play video games. So I was in the middle of talking about happiness with a friend and I joking said, ” I keep hoping that I can my road will eventually lead to warms sands.” For those of you who don’t know, I am huge Skyrim fan. So much so that my for my birthday I want thieves guild tattoo ankle and dark brotherhood tattoo on my shoulder. I jokingly call myself that night mother who is the leader of the dark brotherhood. The warm stands saying is something that Khajiit, the cat people of Skyrim. All of a sudden it hit me. What if it wasn’t just a joke what if this was something I could live by or at least a meaningful saying.
Sayings or Mantras mean a lot to me because sometimes you don’t have a piece of paper or napkin isn’t around. Sometimes your iPhone is dead and there is no outlet. Sometimes you don’t the time or the luxury to veg out gaming or nerding out. When nothing else is available to combat those bad thoughts fight them with good thoughts. For me, the idea of sifting fine sand through your finger reminds me of home. Maybe I am cat person…. in both senses of the term ooooooooooooo. Either way, I am still the Night Mother.
So my son is 22 months old. He has gotten to the point where if he soils his diaper he tells me or tries to take it off. He will even pick up his own diaper and throws it away. So of course from time to time, I might mention this to a friend or two. So to my surprise, I received a lot of, “So you are going to potty train him right.”
I think what caught me off guard the most were the friends that didn’t have kids that were admint that it was time of me to start potty training. How does one who have never give birth to child all of sudden decide that a child is capable of knowing they are ready to to go to the potty. Now let me remind you… my son is a little over one in half and close to 2 years old or 24 months. Most girls start at around 2 and boys somehwere between 2 and half to 3 years old. Although my son is able to understand that his soiled diaper is not something you would like to keep in his room, he doesnt seem to understand the process before the soiled diaper. He knows during. He will hide himself. However there are still sometimes he will go and still keep playing. I just know he isnt ready yet.
But this isn’t about if my son is really to potty train as much as it is people feeling the the need to tell me how parent my child espcially people lacking the life experience. As if I am not potty training just beccause I like changing diapers. I know I am new mother. I am always look for ways to do things the right way. So I am open to sound suggestion… when I ask for it. Even if they did have experience I didn’t ask you for your input. And maybe that is rude but, its also rude to interject when no one ask you to.
I know I sound angry, but I bit perturbed. I don’t want to force my child to do something he isn’t ready for just only create self doubt in his abilities to do anything not just potty training. So I can say oh my son is already using the potty. Parenting isn’t just about hitting milestones and it especially isn’t about hitting them early.
I have always thought of myself as homely. I am a home girl. I wear jeans, t-shirts, and Chuck Taylor tennis shoes. I read books, play video games, and worked as a writer. I was too busy for makeup. It wasn’t until after dealing with my post-partum depression and help from friends that started looking ways for self-care.
This blog was one way, and my appearance is another.My appearance has always been a big deal for me. However, sometime in high school, I wanted people to take me seriously I stop wearing makeup. I stop dressing up unless asked. Now don’t get wrong… I like I stated I love jeans and t-shirts, but I also make a conscious choice of what I am going to wear. But getting myself back into the idea of self-care was a struggle.
My first time applying makeup was in early middle school. I was still applying my make up like an 11-year-old. I have the artistic skills of a toddler. It is literally the grace of God that I can apply my eyeliner in a straight line. So I had watch video after video, which was cathartic as well, to get an idea of what I was doing. Then next it was purchasing brushes, applicators, primers, and etc. Not to mention a very unproductive visit to Sephora where I left looking like an Oompa Loompa. I eventually figured it out how to do a simple beat. I am still learning.
I think people don’t understand how small things help with maintaining your overall mood. I needed something to remind me that I am human. Taking care of myself helps tremendously. At the end of the day if you look good you feel good.
So I finally got a new freelance gig. I am not sure what to think about it since I have only been working there since Friday. It’s more on the Public relations and marketing side but it’s a media job.
My new issue this week has been trying to divide my new found freedom between my responsibilites at home. My mother and my grandmother have been kind enough to take care of my son while my partner and I are at work. I still can’t help but shake this feeling that I am some how missing out. Yeah I am scared of Mommy FOMO. I never thought I would be one of those mothers.
When I was studying to get my degree I remember admintly and definatly telling everyone who was willing to listen that even when I did have kids I would not be a stay at home mom. I also was sure I would rasise my kid in NYC. I am kind of glad I didn’t do NYC while my kid is still in diapers. I can’t do people complaining about my baby being a baby.
Until now, I have had my son with me 24/7. We woke up and his schedule was mine. Now I get up before he even wakes up and I am the person who spends the least amount of wake time with him. Today my partner took him swimming on today. It was his day off and my family had invited him over. I didn’t know how to feel as my mom scrolled through picture and video of an experience I wasn’t there for.
However this job provides so much more for him. More toys, more baby music classes, more mommy and baby yoga etc. I spend the weekends with him. He still wants to be around me when he sees me. Maybe I am just beeing really dramatic.
Sorry this blog was later than the other previous ones. It’s been a interesting week for me. Anyways, on Monday, I found read this article while attending my Monday twitter chats. In the article it discussed how successful “Mommy Blogger” tells everyone that her stuff is “fake nonsense.” Of course I was curious. I was curious because I agreed with her.
I have worked in the media industry for 9 years. When you start out in college in your first mass communication, public relations, or journalism class every professor stress the integrity of the field. What they don’t they don’t tell you is that it’s BS. I have been in small newsrooms and I have been in large ones. I have found that integrity goes out the window when it comes down to getting the job done. I have seen people tarnish other people’s names. So even if you are in a low cut throat media market in the middle of nowhere Idaho you still have to sell a story. To sell a story sometimes it requires smoke and mirrors. So I applaud her on being honest.
Also the idea of people following others because you follow them seem odd to me. Pardon me for not managing my blog better. I didn’t even know this was a thing till last week. I don’t believe in merely following people because it makes no sense to clutter your feed with people’s none sense. I do follow other mommy blogger on wordpress.com, because they often times can be uplifting and incredibly honest. It’s nice to see people in the same boat with the same outlook.
There was time when being a blogger or working in digital media for yourself meant you could be honest. That was before it became lucrative. I remember sitting with a group of successful writers and I said, ” I think I want to blog for awhile.” Someone laughed and replied, “you will not make money from blogging.” That was about 5 years ago. Now there is a business model to it. You purchase a domain, get someone to do the design, get someone to route traffic and make your blog searchable, and get active on social media. In a matter of time your blogging can be bought.This means your opinion can be bought.
I remember typing up a review for something and thinking. No, it doesn’t work at all. Not even in the slightest. I couldn’t imagine typing up a blog that was connected to my own personal brand and have to falsify if it worked well or if it was necessary for making my life easier as a mother. I hate Target’s up and up diapers. I think they are a waste of money and should be able to say as much.
She also spoke about the keeping up with appearances. I know how that is. My life is no where near perfect. My partner although decorated veteran has PTSD. Trust me, PTSD isn’t as romantic people make it out to be on TV. I have my own issues with postpartum depression. Sometimes I don’t like being a mom. I hate poopy diapers. I hate not being able to go to concert or movies because the babysitter or any babysitter isn’t available. I hate the fact that my partner is so scared about being a parent which means I have to take on more responsibility. That’s what this blog is for. I spend so much time in my everyday life trying to keep my private life private because we love to hear others falling down (which I wrote about in a previous blog). I also like letting people know you aren’t alone.
I hope that she keeps blogging. I think that she has so much more to offer. As for me I am going to keep being my being that crazy mom with the son glasses juggle her ridiculously large kid while texting on her cellphone.
Every two weeks my partner and I have couples counseling. I am a strongly advocate couples counseling for relationships with one or two combat veterans. However… listen closely… don’t judge me but … I hate it!
Therapy by yourself is awesome. You sit there. You bad mouth who you want. You cry while only your therapist sees you. You talk about those horrible things that you want no one to know about but you.
Therapy with another person is completely different. It’s almost like having a major ego trip. You have to sit there in front of your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife and be told you were wrong. In counseling by yourself the counselor is going to say you are wrong, but you are alone. He doesn’t have to hear it. You can go on about your day without your significant other knowing. My personal issue is the rawness of it.
I hate telling people my problems. I just recently got comfortable talking to my personal therapist. Now I have to talk about these horrible embarrassing things that happened in front of our therapist and my partner. You just leave with that feeling you had of when your parents told you were grounded. I am not saying our family therapist chastises us (she is one of the better providers are the Debakey VA). It’s the idea that you are to old for this crap.
Yesterday, my partner called at around 11am and asked, ” We have couples counselling at 1500. Do you want to go?” I groaned,”Not really but I will.”
I am not quiter. This relationship isn’t easy but is any relationship easy? So there are times I am going to do things I don’t want to. There are times I am going to have to make sacrifices. Like watch tv shows I don’t like. Listen to terrible music. Go to my couples therapy every two weeks.
I was in needed a little encouragement, so I called my mother. I have said previously that I am always second guessing my decisions, and I was doing so right then. My mom is really good at laying all the cards on the table…Like a psychological tarot card reader. So after everything was said, the first idea that popped into my head was, ” I am sure someone made worse mistakes. Then I thought about it. That has nothing to do with me!
We are so pre-disposed, in our society, to compare ourselves to others. For some reason it’s worse with women. Oh and don’t get me started on this better than the next mother. I thought I was passed this. I remember being in one of my mentoring groups (within my churches youth group) and leader cackling like a crazy woman as she talked about how she was grateful to God he was waiting to send her the perfect man because her friends had marital problems. She came off as bitter. I don’t ever want to seem bitter.
Yeah, I had a list of things that I wanted to do by the time I was 30. Just because it isn’t going the way I would like doesn’t mean I have to tear people down in my heads. Insecurity feeds on shared misery. The funny thing is I couldn’t even think of one person I wanted to feel better than. I am glad I took the time to stop myself before searching. So I am taking the challenge to try to break this habit.
A couple of Days ago my friend post a meme on her Facebook page. It read, “If we grew apart as friends, there is 100% I am cheering you on from afar, and I still love you.” That’s not just that friend but very much who I am too. I have had some people who just walked out of my life as friends, and I let them go for various reasons.
Let me just say I am emotional friend. I feel like I can say that after my Sailor Moon marathon. I never forget anyone, and I always try to be considerate. It literally hurts my core when people aren’t the same to me. I have only really shown how hurt I was by it maybe a handful of times in my life. I am the Arya Stark of my group of friends… I never forget and rarely forgive. My Therapist and I are working on that. So I have come to the conclusion that you have to just let those friends go.
I have had so many changes over the last couple years. I have changed jobs, matured, had a baby, was diagnosed with an illness, my view point on things have changed, Broad City, The Read… 2 Dope Queens. Some people aren’t ready for that. When you are ready to climb mountains you want a team of mountain climbers. I am not trying to talk bad about people I don’t speak to anymore.They are probably great at climb some mountains, but they just aren’t ready to climb these mountains. We aren’t in the same place, and that’s cool. However I will implore you to keep up with people.
There are people I have in my life right now merely added to Facebook to be polite either through work , projects, etc. Those acquaintances have become good friends who have encouraged me or vice versa. I have also gotten in contact with people that I have fallen out of contact with. One of my childhood friends just got married and is now pregnant. It’s great to keep up with her because she is going through everything I went through last year.
In closing friends are priceless, but you can’t make someone be there when they don’t want to. I am using that extra energy to be a better friend to the friends I have. I hope whoever reads this will do the same.
So right now I am still doing the none traditional full time permanent position, but instead going for freelance or temporary positions. This gives me the opportunity to nab the position I want while broadening my skill set . As a result I have not only more free time for my child, but myself as well. I have decided with my free time I could also volunteer, take up new hobbies, or even just attend events.
This idea started with that”events near you”section on Facebook. I found out last weekend that we had a Japanese Festival within walking distance of our apartment. My partner was was posted in Japan for a while. He and I love Japanese culture (me, just a tad bit more). However this situation wasn’t ideal.
The Festival started at 10 am and I wanted to get there at 9:30am. I end up there at noon which was the worse time. Here is the reason why… Noon is the worst time to go anywhere because that is when people either are freed form something that is tying up there time or an hour after they decide to wake up. Also it was humid and hot that day. Worst of all, my partner cannot do crowds. Everyone decided to show up. So the kid was running away from the crowds sweating with our son on his shoulders. I sit there and wait in heat on my little sister which was the reason we were late. To top it off, I drove instead of walking. I was done before I ever even got there. I strongly believe that had we arrived at 9:30 am like I wanted it would have gone better. I did find out about the Japan America Society of Houston where you can get super inexpensive classes on all sorts of things even learning Japanese.
Many of my ventures have gone far better. I volunteered for our local Fotofest which was awesome. I love photography and adore the organization. This weekend I am looking into a mommy breakfast and yoga not too far from my house here in 3rd Ward/Museum District area. I know it hard for moms to get out and do something for themselves. I again firmly believe that as mom sometimes the best thing you can do towards being a good mother is doing for yourself. So if you can when you can…. After that nap think about one thing you want to this week or the next two weeks and start setting your plan.
So I decided this weekend to go visit my sister, who live outside the city in Webster, TX. I haven’t had much time to watch local news this week so I had no idea that crazy thunderstorm was going to come through. On top of that, flooding was expected for most of Houston. I figured I’d spend the night with my sister and wake up the next morning to realize it was a false alarm. It wasn’t.
Webster was relatively okay, but I remember last Memorial Day when people actually died trying to get into the city. My neighborhood (Third Ward) was flooded as usual. I called my partner not just check on him but our neighbors as the storm drain in the courtyard doesn’t drain properly. I wasn’t going home anytime soon. Highway 288 (The Nolan Ryan Expressway) was underwater because of Brays Bayou. They even found a dead body later that afternoon. I wasn’t going to risk having not only my tiny GTI but my son for that matter get in caught in the flooding.
I spent most of the day live tweeting while watching the news. I was able to have good discussion on city planning, climate change, re-gentrification, and flood planning. It also gave me time to focus on my writing.
I had been working on this story plot for almost 6 years ago. Second guessing myself as kept me from being able to actually write a novel or graphic novel. I made goal to start re-writing my first chapter this month. While watching the news I starting writing my store again. I am so proud of myself. I am so amazed at what I was able to do when I didn’t second guess myself. I have been learning this past couple of months about listening to my instincts, and reaching for my goals. I hope that I have the fortitude to keep up with this.