Separation Anxiety

My partner called me one day and says, ” I think our son has an anxiety disorder.” I paused for minute as to take into account what my partner was thinking. He went on further to explain to me in detailed why he thought this was true. At that point my child has started crying at the idea of people merely leaving him. In all honest, that was normal.  This is a baby who just go hang of crawling now realizing that when you leave a room. He is all alone.

About 3 weeks ago my son turned 10 months and something that was seemed normal to me has now grown into a monster. I use to be able to leave him with a friend of family member and he would smile. Now he searches their faces or a moment as if to see if he can trust them. If I leave he is done. I thought maybe this stem from the fact that I had been dividing my time between my parents house and my own. This has left my son in situation where maybe I had to leave the room for a minute to take care of things and I had no one to hand him off to. I also thought that taking on short term freelance jobs was the issue. This was alarming maybe for a couple day till I did my research.

So yes, at around 10 months babies become little more aware that world doesn’t revolve around them. This cause the idea of you being gone for long periods to cause slight anxiety. Yes, all of that makes sense to me. However, not everyone has a 27 lb. 10 month old. I sometimes can carry him on a back baby carrier like women do in some portions of Africa. The issue is he doesn’t like to be constricted and will try to kick his way out of the rap. I have tired singing to him while I am in another room so he knows that I am near by. That stopped working. I am running out of ideas. I have done a better job of getting him acquainted with other family members or caregivers. This seems to be the only thing that slightly works.

I know  it will get better in the coming months, but I need help. Or I could just come to the conclusion that I will have Serena Williams/Michelle Obama arms with in the next couple of months. That would be plus after a negative.

The Nice One

Well, I hope anyone who reads this had a great Independence Day. I was too busy helping my parents move so no BBQ or Fireworks for me.

I want to discuss something interesting about judging ones character. This weekend my uncle became very sick. He has pre-existing condition that can cause him to need to go to the emergency room sometimes. He called one evening and asked if I would be willing to take him to the hospital. I of course said yes. What type of person would say no if they had means to do so. After waiting hours, on my uncle was released from the hospital after a blood transfusion.

A couple of days later it start circulating around my mother’s side of the family that all of a sudden I have become a super nice person. I have even been told that I must have become nicer because of my child. Not True. If anything I have learned to handle less BS. So here is the question I posed … well to the universe. Does being a introvert and having a resting bitch face cause people to see you as mean?

I am not a happy- go lucky person.Despite my love of high fashion, I think I fall under pastel goth or loli goth.  I only smile at cheep jokes and thoughts of revenge. I hate small talk and I don’t see the purpose in greeting every person I meet. Not for the reasons you think. I am super awkward, and I am always afraid of saying the wrong thing. If you keep your output to a minimum, you are less likely to say something stupid.

With all that being said one of the particular reasons why I think they think this is because I have cut out certain family members from my life. While living by myself and going to therapy I had a conversation about with my therapist about how there are people in my family I would rather not speak to.  She looked me plainly and said, “Then don’t talk to them.” In that instance I knew I was grown up, and I shouldn’t be forced into converse with people that are destructive.

My mom’s side of the family is has mental health issues. I am not looking down on them for it (my father and I both suffer from situational and clinical depression), but I am being honest. These issue cause over all stereotypical messiness that comes with certain women. I try to stay away so that I don’t get roped in. Their illness and how they manage them dictates how I deal with them.  Certain person seem to actually feed on roping people into her bipolar mania. It has lead me to some seedy places and situation that I rather not be a part of. Other people in my family are not honest with her about managing her issues or taking responsibility for behavior. So I made a conscience decision to cut all ties with her. It was a difficult process because I had to make sure I wasn’t doing it out of anger or hurt, but place of healing. As her actions have caused me lots of hurt over the years. I have to think about my physical and sociological health. I have to be very vigilant and strict about this as even taking a phone call or acknowledging her presents could lead to people not respecting the boundaries I created.This including my own mother. The concession I have made is she gets the rest of the family whenever she feels like it. I get my peace of mind.

Another reason that I might come across as nice is that I had been gone for 4 years. I worked in North East for 4 years between New England and New York. I lived pay check to pay check with my parents paying my cellphone bill. When I did live here I was a college student with an ailing father and mother who was trying her best to take care of household that ran on just my father’s income. My priority became my sisters and brother. Whatever I did have went to them which wasn’t much. Two of them have graduated from college and have jobs of their own. I only have to worry about Little Bear (my youngest sister). So yeah I can pick someone up and take them to hospital. Yes, I can bring my grandmother food when she needs it. Yes, if someone needs to place to crash for the night they can sleep on my couch.

I think the issue is that people think that when you can’t be bothered with everything you rather be bothered with nothing. I won’t say I was always a nice person, but have always been a thoughtful person. Oh who am I kidding . If my life were the movie the “First Wives Club” I am more often an Annie than a Brenda. In closing I am not the spawn of Satan. I merely the spawn of Sea Witch. It’s completely two different things.

Not so Great Pride Weekend

So it’s been a couple years since I have attended a gay pride weekend. I really wanted to this year after this situation that happened in Orlando a couple weeks ago. I was also unable to attend last year because I was so pregnant. Here in Houston  a lot of people were scared to go because of threats of violence. I usually no scared of much so I offered to go with friends.

This were it went all wrong. The night before I pulled a muscle carrying around my sumo wrestler size child. So I had already woke up sore as hell. I also like to spend my Saturday’s alone. I just realize that for the next 18 years I will never have Saturday again. Part of me wanted to just to some yoga and eat turtle cheesecake. However I said I was going to do something I had to do it. I said I was going to be there.

So at 5pm I texted my friends to see where they were going to go. I should have been aware of the second problem when I realized they wanted me to meet them at the Burger King on Westhimer and not downtown. One of my friends kept asking if there was a lot of people there. I kept saying, “No, there is never a crowd in Half Priced Books.” Come to find out they thought the parade was on Montrose where all the gay bars and clubs are located. So this made us late as hell. Parking downtown was upwards of $5 to $40. Yes, 40 dollars. I was chosen to lead the way to downtown but I didn’t know where to lead them to parking so we circled around the parade route a good 3 times before my friends found a place to park.

Then one my friends had a great idea to pick up my partner after he got off work. As the parade is starting I had to drive 20 blocks up to go pick up my partner who wasn’t aware were coming. Then my friend and my partner were lolly gagging. I love them but time doesn’t stand still. So we make it downtown to catch one float after walking 7 blocks over piss, broken glass bottles, glitter, and confetti. So after walking another 3 blocks we found the rest of our party where everyone decided to go to a club.

I am sure I have mentioned to you guys that my partner is Marine Corps veteran with PTSD which usually comes with a anxiety around crowds. So not only are talking about the confined space of a club, but Saturday… during pride week …and at a gay club. This was not the best scenario for us. So again I am parking 7 blocks away from the club this time. I am completely turned around because I am only in this area during the daytime. We finally get there to find out that my partner didn’t have his ID. So after trolling around for 45 minutes for a parking space then walking for another 20 minutes we end up turning around 3 minutes after we reach the club. I also got lost looking for my car.

After I was at Walmart in the Heights walking like an old worn out ballerina to get turtle cheesecake. It wasn’t my ideal night. I have come to the that I had to be more content about being there for friends than what  I missed. Anyways… Happy Pride!

The Child Who Doesn’t Nap and Other Horror Stories

I remember when I was in high school, my mom use to tell people stories about when I was a kid. One of the stories she would tell was how I use to get in trouble for not napping. I actually remember what she was talking about. I remember being in kindergarten and laying on my cot either looking out the window or telling stories to myself. I couldn’t and still can’t nap really. However there are rare occasions I get tired enough to dose off during the day.

This last Friday I got off early. Which means I had my son by myself for a couple hours. However with him wake up in the middle of the night and my chronic sinusitis have made it hard for me to get a restful nights sleep. So when I got home at 2pm I tried my best to entertain him just to fall asleep on the couch. Of course I woke up… I haven’t finished baby proofing the house. Our living room, although full of fun, isn’t a safe area. But there I was trying to keep my eyes open and my kid crawled back and forth looking for something he shouldn’t. So I had to get up and will myself awake.

This isn’t anything new. It’s just getting harder for me to maintain the house no matter if I am freelancing or not. No naps means that I am constantly running after my kid. My partner doesn’t know how to clean and because of his meds he is very forgetful. So that means, I pay the bills, organized the house, clean every crevice, and have time for myself. I am not saying it’s my child fault. I sympathize with him. I hated naps! It would just make my life easier if he was able to nap like a normal child. It’s also not that he isn’t sleep. My kid has FOMO (fear of missing out) bad. He fights sleep.

For now I will continue the good fight of a mother of stereotypical little boy who doesn’t want to sleep.

 

… And the Relapse

So this last week I have been trying to looking for ways to keep organized while taking on more Freelance and temp jobs. Then last week it started to hit me. I know some of you are reading the word relapse and you think drugs. I am talking about physical and emotional health.

It started a couple weeks ago when I notice I kept dropping things. My grip is usually the first to go. Then  my joints have gotten achy. Now I am at the point that I have two productive hours in the day. The hours change quit often so I have get them while I when I can.

A couple years back I was diagnosed with Lupus on a low but positive ANA (antinuclear antibody test). Later is downgraded to fibromyalgia then upgraded again. After  I got another not sure diagnosis and just gave up on “modern” medicine. By then whatever it is I have gone to remission and I heard of some cases where people only had one flare. But now it’s back.

I don’t want to spend this whole blog complaining about my illness because it’s so boring. I want to talk about how I am pushing through. I do what I can when I can. This is still all new to my partner who caught me at the tale end of last flare. My pregnancy wasn’t a cake walk either but it’s pregnancy no one expects it to be a cake walk. I think he thinks I am trying to shrug off some of my responsibilities. He is pretty lazy so I take on far more responsibility anyway. But the complaining. My kid is pretty long and heavy. So I have had to come up with in genus ways to carry him in this situation.

I have made up my mind to stay positive.  I am not saying I am going to be happy go lucky, but I will be productive. I am a mom after all can’t spend my life being slouchy sick mom.

New Job… No Time

So I finally got a new freelance gig. I am not sure what to think about it since I have only been working there since Friday. It’s more on the Public relations and marketing side but it’s a media job.

My new issue this week has been trying to divide my new found freedom between my responsibilites at home. My mother and my grandmother have been kind enough to take care of my son while my partner and I are at work. I still can’t help but shake this feeling that I am some how missing out. Yeah I am scared of Mommy FOMO. I never thought I would be one of those mothers.

When I was studying to get my degree I remember admintly and definatly telling everyone who was willing to listen that even when I did have kids I would not be a stay at home mom. I also was sure I would rasise my kid in NYC. I am kind of glad I didn’t do NYC while my kid is still in diapers. I can’t do people complaining about my baby being a baby.

Until now, I have had my son with me 24/7. We woke up and his schedule was mine. Now I get up before he even wakes up and I am the person who spends the least amount of wake time with him. Today my partner took him swimming on today. It was his day off and my family had invited him over. I didn’t know how to feel as my mom scrolled through picture and video of an experience I wasn’t there for.

However this job provides so much more for him. More toys, more baby music classes, more mommy and baby yoga etc. I spend the weekends with him. He still wants to be around me when he sees me. Maybe I am just beeing really dramatic.

The Truth about Mommy Blogging

Sorry this blog was later than the other previous ones. It’s been a interesting week for me. Anyways, on Monday, I found read this article while attending my Monday twitter chats. In the article it discussed how successful “Mommy Blogger” tells everyone that her stuff is “fake nonsense.” Of course I was curious. I was curious because I agreed with her.

I have worked in the media industry for 9 years. When you start out in college in your first mass communication, public relations, or journalism class every professor stress the integrity of the field. What they don’t they don’t tell you is that it’s BS. I have been in small newsrooms and I have been in large ones. I have found that integrity goes out the window when it comes down to getting the job done. I have seen people tarnish other people’s names. So even if you are in a low cut throat media market in the middle of nowhere Idaho you still have to sell a story. To sell a story sometimes it requires smoke and mirrors. So I applaud her on being honest.

Also the idea of people following others because you follow them seem odd to me. Pardon me for not managing my blog better. I didn’t even know this was a thing till last week. I don’t believe in merely following people because it makes no sense to clutter your feed with people’s none sense. I do follow other mommy blogger on wordpress.com, because they often times can be uplifting and incredibly honest. It’s nice to see people in the same boat with the same outlook.

There was time when being a blogger or working in digital media for yourself meant you could be honest. That was before it became lucrative. I remember sitting with a group of successful writers and I said, ” I think I want to blog for awhile.” Someone laughed and replied, “you will not make money from blogging.” That was about 5 years ago. Now there is a business model to it. You purchase a domain, get someone to do the design, get someone to route traffic and make your blog searchable, and get active on social media. In a matter of time your blogging can be bought.This means your opinion can be bought.

I remember typing up a review for something and thinking. No, it doesn’t work at all. Not even in the slightest. I couldn’t imagine typing up a blog that was connected to my own personal brand and have to falsify if it worked well or if it was necessary for making my life easier as a mother. I hate Target’s up and up diapers. I think they are a waste of money and should be able to say as much.

She also spoke about the keeping up with appearances. I know how that is. My life is no where near perfect. My partner although decorated veteran has PTSD. Trust me, PTSD isn’t as romantic people make it out to be on TV. I have my own issues with postpartum depression. Sometimes I don’t like being a mom. I hate poopy diapers. I hate not being able to go to concert or movies because the babysitter or any babysitter isn’t available. I hate the fact that my partner is so scared about being a parent which means I have to take on more responsibility. That’s what this blog is for. I spend so much time in my everyday life trying to keep my private life private because we love to hear others falling down (which I wrote about in a previous blog). I also like letting people know you aren’t alone.

I hope that she keeps blogging. I think that she has so much more to offer. As for me I am going to keep being my being that crazy mom with the son glasses juggle her ridiculously large kid while texting on her cellphone.

Ego in the backseat-Couples therapy

Every two weeks my partner and I have couples counseling. I am a strongly advocate couples counseling for relationships with one or two combat veterans. However… listen closely… don’t judge me but … I hate it!

Therapy by yourself is awesome. You sit there. You bad mouth who you want. You cry while only your therapist sees you. You talk about those horrible things that you want no one to know about but you.

Therapy with another person is completely different. It’s almost like having a major ego trip. You have to sit there in front of your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife  and be told you were wrong. In counseling by yourself the counselor is going to say you are wrong, but you are alone. He doesn’t have to hear it. You can go on about your day without your significant other knowing. My personal issue is the rawness of it.

I hate telling people my problems. I just recently got comfortable talking to my personal therapist. Now I have to talk about these horrible embarrassing things that happened in front of our therapist and my partner. You just leave with that feeling you had of when your parents told you were grounded. I am not saying our family therapist chastises us (she is one of the better providers are the Debakey VA). It’s the idea that you are to old for this crap.

Yesterday, my partner called at around 11am and asked, ” We have couples counselling at 1500. Do you want to go?” I groaned,”Not really but I will.”

I am not quiter. This relationship isn’t easy but is any relationship easy? So there are times I am going to do things I don’t want to. There are times I am going to have to make sacrifices. Like watch tv shows I don’t like. Listen to terrible music. Go to my couples therapy every two weeks.

In Regards to saying, “At least I am Not her!”

I was in needed a little encouragement, so I called my mother. I have said previously that I am always second guessing my decisions, and I was doing so right then. My mom is really good at laying all the cards on the table…Like a psychological tarot card reader. So after everything was said, the first idea that popped into my head was, ” I am sure someone made worse mistakes. Then I thought about it. That has nothing to do with me!

We are so pre-disposed, in our society, to compare ourselves to others. For some reason it’s worse with women. Oh and don’t get me started on this better than the next mother. I thought I was passed this. I remember being in one of my mentoring groups (within my churches youth group) and leader cackling like a crazy woman as she talked about how she was grateful to God he was waiting to send her the perfect man because her friends had marital problems. She came off as bitter. I don’t ever want to seem bitter.

Yeah, I had a list of things that I wanted to do by the time I was 30. Just because it isn’t going the way I would like doesn’t mean I have to tear people down in my heads. Insecurity feeds on shared misery. The funny thing is I couldn’t even think of one person I wanted to feel better than. I am glad I took the time to stop myself before searching. So I am taking the challenge to try to break this habit.

 

 

The Divorcing of Friends

A couple of Days ago my friend post a meme on her Facebook page. It read, “If we grew apart as friends, there is 100% I am cheering you on from afar, and I still love you.” That’s not just that friend but very much who I  am too. I have had some people who just walked out of my life as friends, and I let them go for various reasons.

Let me just say I am emotional friend. I feel like I can say that after my Sailor Moon marathon. I never forget anyone, and I always try to be considerate. It literally hurts my core when people aren’t the same to me. I have only really shown how hurt I was by it maybe a handful of times in my life. I am the Arya Stark of my group of friends… I never forget and rarely forgive. My Therapist and I are working on that. So I have come to the conclusion that you have to just let those friends go.

I have had so many changes over the last couple years. I have changed jobs, matured, had a baby, was diagnosed with an illness, my view point on things have changed, Broad City, The Read… 2 Dope Queens. Some people aren’t ready for that. When you are ready to climb mountains you want a team of mountain climbers. I am not trying to talk bad about people I don’t speak to anymore.They are probably great at climb some mountains, but they just aren’t ready to climb these mountains.  We aren’t in the same place, and that’s cool. However I will implore you to keep up with people.

There are people I have in my life right now merely added to Facebook to be polite either through work , projects, etc. Those acquaintances have become good friends who have encouraged me or vice versa. I have also gotten in contact with people that I have fallen out of contact with. One of my childhood friends just got married and is now pregnant. It’s great to keep up with her because she is going through everything I went through last year.

In closing friends are priceless, but you can’t make someone be there when they don’t want to. I am using that extra energy to be a better friend to the friends I have. I hope whoever reads this will do the same.